You know we’re taught how to read and we’re taught how to write but we’re not taught fine communication skills.
It’s no surprise that couples come for counselling because their just not seeing eye to eye and they’re fighting and they’re arguing and their parenting styles may be totally different. To exasperate this there might have been a discovery of an addiction or even a discovery of infidelity of some way or form.
So we’re taught how to read and we’re taught how to write but we’re not taught fine communication skills and some of the biggest causes of stress in a relationship is miscommunication or the lack of communication and i’m just going to go through with you 4 things that are very common when people present with issues with communication in their relationship.
The first thing thats damaging to the relationship is criticism. Thats attaching the other persons personality, usually in the intent of making yourself right and your partner wrong. So there comes generalisations like “you always” “you never” you’re the type of person” all of those things then put the protective barrier up in your partner and you’re not going to get any result from a discussion when you’re criticising.
The next thing we’re talking about here is contempt. That’s attacking your partners sense of self with the intention to insult or psychologically abuse them. That’s including name calling, thats including hostile humor, sarcasm, perhaps mockery, the body language and the voice, rolling of the eyes, or the curling of your upper lip. they’re all contemptuous. Just to reiterate, if that continues happening your partner is going to put the protective barrier up.
Then we’re talking about defensiveness, being the victim, seeing oneself as a victim and warding off the perceived attack, cross complaining if your partner says “look you never do this” you come back and say “well hang on a minute but you don’t do that” and then theres the “yes but” , “yes, you’re right but, i’m right” or repeating yourself without paying attention to what the other person is saying.
Then the fourth damaging one is called stonewalling or withdrawing from the relationship to avoid this conflict and partners might think of this stage is they’re trying to stay neutral but what they do is they provide stoney silence, the mono syllable mutterings, of changing of subject, removing themselves or physically just leaving the room and that silent treatment that goes on for days and these are some of the things that encounter in couples when they come in to see me.
If you find that any of these resinate with you perhaps you need to have a think about your relationship. Have a think about learning communication skills and if you want a hand in this you’re welcome to call me on 0418720176 and i’m happy to have a confidential free chat with you and thank you again for the time to watch this video.